My dream, my wish

I'm supposed to be concentrating on the TLP which I'm supposed to present by this Fri. Ntah tak tahu kenapa lately I've changed on my style of work. I used to get so worked up & upset if something goes wrong or have not been done yet. However, lately sejak dua -menjak late last year, I've been procrastinating quite a lot. I thought why get yourself so stressed up for something so nitty gritty? But sometimes, even something which deemed quite important & has got something related to work, I procrastinate too.

I guess it's also becoz I dah malas nak kerja. Yup, frankly speaking I'm tired of working. I've started work since after A'levels, as relief teacher, tuition teacher, contract teacher, NIE trainee & now a full-fledged teacher. What have I been doing almost 1/2 of my life? Teacher!!! What a bore!

Now that I have a family of my own, I'd prefer being a full-fledged housewife, mother & even to 'down-grade' (if there's such a word) mself to become the 'maid' of the house. Yes, I enjoy doing the house chores! Though I may sound ridiculous (coz sometimes I do complain of having too much of house chores to do) but it's becoz I've to juggle between the two, having to work & doing house chores at the same time. Gimme the whole day of cleaning the house, I'll be very glad to do it without much complain.

But looks like I got not much choice or to consider staying at home after we decide to get our baby Verna. Mana nak cari duit nak bayar instalment kereta kalau I tak kerja? Nak harapkan gaji Ifan, memanglah tak cukup to even pay 1/2 of it. We need $$$ to live comfortably in Singapore. Hari-hari kerje sebab nak bayar hutang...yes, hutang kereta, hutang rumah, hutang bil elektrik, hutang api air...& macam-macam hutang lagi. Semuanya dikira hutang apa!

My wish is to be able to take care of my son (& our children, insyaAllah kalau ada rezeki) & take care of the house matters. I know I can still put my knowledge & skills to good use...I can still give tuition at the comfort of our home (while still have my children around me). Tuitors nowadays are making lots of money, in fact. Other than that, I can still catch up with my hobby (once, my dream) of being a freelance writer. Who knows I can even publish a book like Shaffiq! With that, at least I don't have to worry & torture my brains to write reports for supervisees lah, my own proforma lah, having to 'meet above expectations of the sub-grade in the education service' just to be able to get a performance bonus at end of each year. I need not have to sacrifice my holiday just to come back to school to do all the s****d strategic thrustlah, action plan lah, review lah....I don't like that part of the job. In fact I can frankly say I HATE IT!!!

I just want to do what I like...follow my heart....but my hands are tied down...I just hope everyone understand the dilemma I'm in now...Tell me what to do....